<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
<HTML><HEAD><TITLE>Center Square | A hard case resists a makeover for the new age</TITLE>
<META http-equiv=Content-Type content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"><BASE
href=http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/news/columnists/10116684.htm?template=contentModules/printstory.jsp><LINK
href="/css/palette/gray_neutral/en/global.css" type=text/css rel=stylesheet>
<META content="MSHTML 6.00.2800.1106" name=GENERATOR></HEAD>
<BODY bgColor=#ffffff leftMargin=2 topMargin=2 marginwidth="2" marginheight="2">
<DIV><FONT face=Arial color=#0000ff size=3><SPAN class=420480620-11112004>Jim,
in particular, will enjoy reading this article.</SPAN></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=Arial color=#0000ff size=3><SPAN
class=420480620-11112004></SPAN></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=Arial color=#0000ff size=4><SPAN
class=420480620-11112004><STRONG>Art</STRONG></SPAN></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=Arial color=#0000ff size=3></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=Arial color=#0000ff size=3></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV class=OutlookMessageHeader dir=ltr align=left><FONT face=Tahoma
size=2>-----Original Message-----<BR><B>From:</B> David Franke
[mailto:dfranke00@comcast.net]<BR><B>Sent:</B> Thursday, November 11, 2004 2:51
PM<BR><B>To:</B> dfranke00@comcast.net<BR><B>Subject:</B> From the Liberal Media
Re-Education Camp at Guantanamo Bay <BR><BR></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=359124119-11112004><FONT face=Arial size=2>Funny, especially if
you're a political media addict.</FONT></SPAN></DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=359124119-11112004><FONT face=Arial
size=2>David</FONT></SPAN></DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=359124119-11112004><FONT face=Arial
size=2></FONT></SPAN> </DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=359124119-11112004></SPAN> </DIV>
<HR>
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0>
<TBODY>
<TR>
<TD vAlign=top bgColor=#ffffff rowSpan=2>
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="97%" align=center border=0>
<TBODY>
<TR>
<TD vAlign=top><BR><A href="/"><IMG
src="/images/logos/site/philly/philly/archives_title.gif" border=0
NOSEND="1"></A> </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="97%" align=center border=0>
<TBODY>
<TR>
<TD align=middle bgColor=#cccccc><IMG height=2
src="/images/common/spacer.gif" width=1 NOSEND="1"><BR></TD></TR>
<TR>
<TD align=middle><IMG height=1 src="/images/common/spacer.gif"
width=1 NOSEND="1"><BR></TD></TR>
<TR>
<TD align=middle bgColor=#cccccc><IMG height=1
src="/images/common/spacer.gif" width=1
NOSEND="1"><BR></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><IMG height=5
src="/images/common/spacer.gif" width="100%" NOSEND="1"><BR>
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0>
<TBODY>
<TR>
<TD colSpan=4>
<HR width="97%" color=#cccccc SIZE=1>
</TD></TR>
<TR>
<TD width=15 rowSpan=7><IMG height=1 src="/images/common/spacer.gif"
width=15 NOSEND="1"></TD>
<TD>Posted on Sun, Nov. 07, 2004</TD>
<TD width=15 rowSpan=7><IMG height=1 src="/images/common/spacer.gif"
width=15 NOSEND="1"></TD></TR>
<TR>
<TD colSpan=2><IMG height=10 src="/images/common/spacer.gif" width=1
NOSEND="1"></TD></TR>
<TR>
<TD colSpan=2>
<DIV class=body-head><B><SPAN class=sig></SPAN></B><BR><B><SPAN
class=kicker></SPAN></B><BR><SPAN class=headline>Center Square | A
hard case resists a makeover for the new age</SPAN><BR><B><SPAN
class=deck></SPAN></B><BR><B><SPAN class=byline>By Chris
Satullo</SPAN></B><BR><B><SPAN
class=creditline></SPAN></B><BR></DIV><!-- begin body-content -->
<P><I>Guantánamo Bay</I></P>
<P><I>Nov. 7</I></P>
<P>My dear wife,</P>
<P>They are letting me write one letter to let you know that I am
alive. I am at the new Liberal Media Re-Education Camp here at
Gitmo; I am not allowed to see a lawyer or make phone calls.</P>
<P>They are afraid that if I talk to a lawyer, I'll pass a coded
message to my old colleagues on the Editorial Board, telling them to
oppose the flat tax or support Arlen for Judiciary Committee
chairman or something. This letter will be censored, so I have to be
careful.</P>
<P>First thing: I am OK. I am not harmed. There has been no torture.
Yet. We're not in those steel cages in the sun or anything. It's a
simple barracks, Spartan but not filthy.</P>
<P>We get three squares a day, though the fare isn't doing much for
my South Beach diet. It's all takeout from Cracker Barrel, Hardees,
Bojangles. They say we've got to learn to eat like real
Americans.</P>
<P>You must have been worried sick. I don't know what they told you,
but here's what happened:</P>
<P>Wednesday afternoon, the gang and I were on our way to a mourning
lunch at that French/Arab/gay fusion bistro where we like to go and
plot our liberal propaganda. Suddenly, guys in dark glasses swooped
up in black vans and snatched us. They didn't take the black hoods
off our heads until we got to Gitmo.</P>
<P>I haven't seen Trudy Rubin since we got here. I hear she's being
treated as a "high-value" prisoner. The high values are in a cell
block across the compound. Rumor has it she's in a cell with Molly
Ivins and Maureen Dowd. Word is some torture goes on over there.
Bill Moyers supposedly was gagged and forced to listen to Chris
Matthews talk for two hours straight.</P>
<P>Today, the guy next to me at mess, used to be a columnist at the
Fresno Bee, told me they flew Paul Krugman and Michael Moore out of
here by chopper last night. To Pakistan, is what I hear.</P>
<P>Some good news: Bob Shrum, Kerry's campaign consultant, is being
held somewhere in the compound, too. May he rot in his cell, the
idiot.</P>
<P>I'm not considered high value, thank God. Just a run-of-the-mill
lib-symp. They chuckle when I explain I'm really a centrist. My
"trainer" says nobody wants to hurt me; as soon as I show I've seen
The Light and can cover the news "objectively," "without bias" and
"with proper appreciation for all the President has done for the
nation," I can come home to you.</P>
<P>I'm working on it, my love. But you know those character traits
that made me spend most of high school in detention? They keep
coming back.</P>
<P><STRONG>Like, I'm in this seminar today called "Christian Nation:
How the Bible and the Constitution Are Really One and the Same." And
I raise my hand and ask: "If one candidate is a practicing Catholic
who carries a rosary in his pocket, and the other one is some vague
evangelical who doesn't even freaking go to church on Sunday, why
did the Catholic bishops order the flock to vote for the
non-Catholic?"</STRONG></P>
<P><STRONG>My trainer was upset with me. So tonight I have to read
three Tim LaHaye novels and write an essay on why George W. Bush is
the doorway to the Rapture. Have to say, these LaHaye books are
crisply plotted.</STRONG></P>
<P>Got in trouble yesterday, too, during a lecture class, "Living in
Fear, and Loving It." Right after the Cheney video, I asked, "How
come the states where terror attacks have actually happened or been
planned went big for Kerry, while the states that Osama bin Laden's
never heard of, the ones with more sheep than people, went for
Bush?"</P>
<P>For that, I had to sit through a double session of Remedial
NASCAR 101. Did you know, that, of the 249,982 laps possible in 781
career starts, Terry Labonte has completed more than 90 percent
(226,729)?</P>
<P>I think of you all the time, and the kids. I know I should submit
and scour my brain of the horrible addiction to facts and
reality-based analysis that landed me in this hellhole. If I can do
that, maybe I can come home.</P>
<P>I'll have to get a job writing obituaries or jingles or
something. They've made it quite clear my days as a pundit are over.
But they tell me that if I sign the Bush loyalty pledge, my pension
is safe. As safe as anybody's, anyway.</P>
<P>But, hon, there's this guerrilla voice inside my head that just
won't shut up. The Boss keeps singing in my mind: <I>No retreat, no
surrender. </I>Even &%$!#@ Kerry couldn't spoil that song for
me.</P>
<P>Sorry, babe. Vive la Resistance!</P><!-- end body-content --><!-- begin body-end -->
<DIV class=body-end>
<DIV class=tagline>
<HR class=tagline color=#cccccc SIZE=1>
<I><SPAN class=tagline>When not immersed in paranoid fantasy, Chris
Satullo is still (he thinks) editorial page editor of The Inquirer.
To comment, e-mail <A
href="mailto:csatullo@phillynews.com">csatullo@phillynews.com</A> or
call 215-854-4243. Read his recent work at <A
href="http://go.philly.com/satullo">http://go.philly.com/satullo</A>.</SPAN></I>
</DIV></DIV><!-- end body-end --></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><BR><BR></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><BR>
<HR width="97%" color=#cccccc SIZE=1>
<CENTER><SPAN class=byline>© 2004 Philadelphia Inquirer and wire service
sources. All Rights Reserved.<BR>http://www.philly.com
</SPAN></CENTER><BR></BODY></HTML>