[Apologetics] FW: From the Liberal Media Re-Education Camp at Guantanamo Bay

Thu Nov 11 15:08:55 EST 2004

Center Square | A hard case resists a makeover for the new ageJim, in
particular, will enjoy reading this article.

Art

-----Original Message-----
From: David Franke [mailto:dfranke00 at comcast.net]
Sent: Thursday, November 11, 2004 2:51 PM
To: dfranke00 at comcast.net
Subject: From the Liberal Media Re-Education Camp at Guantanamo Bay

Funny, especially if you're a political media addict.
David

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           Posted on Sun, Nov. 07, 2004

            Center Square | A hard case resists a makeover for the new age

            By Chris Satullo

            Guantánamo Bay

            Nov. 7

            My dear wife,

            They are letting me write one letter to let you know that I am
alive. I am at the new Liberal Media Re-Education Camp here at Gitmo; I am
not allowed to see a lawyer or make phone calls.

            They are afraid that if I talk to a lawyer, I'll pass a coded
message to my old colleagues on the Editorial Board, telling them to oppose
the flat tax or support Arlen for Judiciary Committee chairman or something.
This letter will be censored, so I have to be careful.

            First thing: I am OK. I am not harmed. There has been no
torture. Yet. We're not in those steel cages in the sun or anything. It's a
simple barracks, Spartan but not filthy.

            We get three squares a day, though the fare isn't doing much for
my South Beach diet. It's all takeout from Cracker Barrel, Hardees,
Bojangles. They say we've got to learn to eat like real Americans.

            You must have been worried sick. I don't know what they told
you, but here's what happened:

            Wednesday afternoon, the gang and I were on our way to a
mourning lunch at that French/Arab/gay fusion bistro where we like to go and
plot our liberal propaganda. Suddenly, guys in dark glasses swooped up in
black vans and snatched us. They didn't take the black hoods off our heads
until we got to Gitmo.

            I haven't seen Trudy Rubin since we got here. I hear she's being
treated as a "high-value" prisoner. The high values are in a cell block
across the compound. Rumor has it she's in a cell with Molly Ivins and
Maureen Dowd. Word is some torture goes on over there. Bill Moyers
supposedly was gagged and forced to listen to Chris Matthews talk for two
hours straight.

            Today, the guy next to me at mess, used to be a columnist at the
Fresno Bee, told me they flew Paul Krugman and Michael Moore out of here by
chopper last night. To Pakistan, is what I hear.

            Some good news: Bob Shrum, Kerry's campaign consultant, is being
held somewhere in the compound, too. May he rot in his cell, the idiot.

            I'm not considered high value, thank God. Just a run-of-the-mill
lib-symp. They chuckle when I explain I'm really a centrist. My "trainer"
says nobody wants to hurt me; as soon as I show I've seen The Light and can
cover the news "objectively," "without bias" and "with proper appreciation
for all the President has done for the nation," I can come home to you.

            I'm working on it, my love. But you know those character traits
that made me spend most of high school in detention? They keep coming back.

            Like, I'm in this seminar today called "Christian Nation: How
the Bible and the Constitution Are Really One and the Same." And I raise my
hand and ask: "If one candidate is a practicing Catholic who carries a
rosary in his pocket, and the other one is some vague evangelical who
doesn't even freaking go to church on Sunday, why did the Catholic bishops
order the flock to vote for the non-Catholic?"

            My trainer was upset with me. So tonight I have to read three
Tim LaHaye novels and write an essay on why George W. Bush is the doorway to
the Rapture. Have to say, these LaHaye books are crisply plotted.

            Got in trouble yesterday, too, during a lecture class, "Living
in Fear, and Loving It." Right after the Cheney video, I asked, "How come
the states where terror attacks have actually happened or been planned went
big for Kerry, while the states that Osama bin Laden's never heard of, the
ones with more sheep than people, went for Bush?"

            For that, I had to sit through a double session of Remedial
NASCAR 101. Did you know, that, of the 249,982 laps possible in 781 career
starts, Terry Labonte has completed more than 90 percent (226,729)?

            I think of you all the time, and the kids. I know I should
submit and scour my brain of the horrible addiction to facts and
reality-based analysis that landed me in this hellhole. If I can do that,
maybe I can come home.

            I'll have to get a job writing obituaries or jingles or
something. They've made it quite clear my days as a pundit are over. But
they tell me that if I sign the Bush loyalty pledge, my pension is safe. As
safe as anybody's, anyway.

            But, hon, there's this guerrilla voice inside my head that just
won't shut up. The Boss keeps singing in my mind: No retreat, no surrender.
Even &%$!#@ Kerry couldn't spoil that song for me.

            Sorry, babe. Vive la Resistance!

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            When not immersed in paranoid fantasy, Chris Satullo is still
(he thinks) editorial page editor of The Inquirer. To comment, e-mail
csatullo at phillynews.com or call 215-854-4243. Read his recent work at
http://go.philly.com/satullo.

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© 2004 Philadelphia Inquirer and wire service sources. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.philly.com
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