by Stuart Gathman

Let the Dolphins Die with Dignity

Friday April 15, 2005

Let the Dolphins Die with Dignity

As I write, 26 marine animals are being kept alive on artificial life support.

Supporters claim that the animals want to live, but members of "Dolphin Death with Dignity" dispute that. "These animals put themselves on that beach for a reason," said DDD leader and lawyer George Feral, "They wanted to die, and these animal nuts are making them suffer by keeping them alive. Who wants to live when you can't feed yourself?"

Dolphin supporters claim that the dolphins beached not because they
wanted to die, but because they were distressed and confused by sonar
from underwater vessels. "Who are you going to believe," says Feral,
"some animal rights kooks, or someone who has dedicated his life to
putting animals out of their misery?"

Although the dolphins are unable to speak understandable human words, supporters say that the clicks and squeaks they emit are a form of communication, and that the dolphins are trying to tell us, "We want to live". "That's nonsense," says Mr. Feral, "the sounds they make can sometimes seem like communication, but there is no intelligence there at all."

Dolphin supporters disagree, pointing out that no PET scans have been done of the animals brains to determine whether there is any higher order brain activity. "We don't need any more tests," says Mr. Feral, "it is a finding of fact in a court of law that these animals are in a Permanent Subhuman State (PSS). They have been examined by 5 experts." Dolphin supporters maintain that the animals are actually in what some researchers call a "Minimally Intelligent State (MIS) and protest that the testimony of three of the experts was thrown out of court on the grounds that their testimony "lacked credibity", and that Judge Creep and the two remaining experts were DDD members.  "Everything was done according to the proper procedures," says Mr. Feral, "and the appeals courts have agreed.  These dolphin dopes have exercised their right to appeal, and have finally exhausted their options."

Judge Creep has set a date of April 18 to remove the animals from  life support (under Florida law, feeding tubes are considered life support). He has also denied a petition from dolphin supporters to continue giving food and water to the animals by hand. He has ordered a 24 hour police guard on the beach to keep protesters away until the animals die from dehydration.

"This is a sad and dangerous day for America," said one protester, "if we start doing this to dolphins today, tomorrow we may find ourselves doing it to people."

"This is a victory for dignified death," said George Feral, "instead of being kept alive as some kind of Science Pet, these animals can finally pass away peacefully on a warm sunny beach. That is, after all, what they wanted."

Posted 4/15/2005 at 10:19 PM

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